I'm so tired of my anger outbursts, yeah, they used to be self harm, and I guess this is better, but still, I feel powerless.
Why am I like this.
I really dislike, and maybe it is normal, to be insulted and yelled at, and when it happens, and I feel like the person will hurt me physically, I want to cry. I feel a bit ashamed, like I think "you should try to fight back if it comes to that" or "try to use reason, because if you shout back or fight back, you feel small and ridiculous, you feel like it's going to be worse".
And I send text messages with happy emojis and Facebook chats with happy stickers.
Once it was really bad but one person was so happy about his day that I told him everything was ok.
And I try not to cry, or to cry when no one can see.
When I'm alone.
Yesterday I read an article that was talking shit about Islam and feminism but somehow a girl that is part of the religion (as far as I know) ignored all weird stuff about it to concentrate to attack feminism, I told her about that, she probably ignored it, but it's ok I suppose
It' just... it's so common to find that way of thinking, something like "as far as it attacks something I don't like I don't care about other stuff"
One terrible thing about depression is that, even if everything in my mind makes sense, the pain of thinking doesn't stop
until I start thinking "I'll die today, that's a good idea"
I wonder if that's the sentence that anchors sanity because I'm sure (in some healthy part of me) that I like living, that I want to travel, and laugh, and visit the sea
and that yes I love the people I love
I feel so sad that thinking about human rights now comes easy for me while a lot of people take it the wrong way, the classic "blacks? so you hate white people" "gays? so you hate straight people" "women? so you hate men"
I can live with that, can't I?
but I'm sad I had to talk to my significant other for hours confusing him, and I couldn't even look at my dear uncle at the face because I felt I was rotting from the inside
but since I have their support I feel better now
So today I read some news about the gamergate thing and oh now I kind of know that that thing existed!
Mmm so well I was insulted in two or three languages (or more?) because when people start "girls are this this" squeak "feminists are this this and this" ah, even if it's directed to what I am I'm not thinking it's for me because naah, and even if it were I would be 'meh k', but people insult and then touched by soft cotton they start a drama
I think that if the girl was not honest to his boyfriend that's not ok, if she asked for favors also not ok, if the story is not real also not ok, if she got money somehow it depends, if it's the first case then woh not worth it but it's her life, if it's the second case well a lot of money it's not going to help her that much but maybe a bit
I remember someone from the videogame industry saying that the "gamers" were toxic, well if a big drama with kids and adults crying because ???¿¿¿ then yeah, I'm glad I play for fun and I'm not in all the drama
Hi guys, I wonder if some of your still have LJ? I'm going to change the style of this blog, delete old posts (all the people that commented have a special place in my heart, thank you guys, we had so much fun).
I think this will be a really personal blog, maybe with nsfw I have no idea yet...
Just please never put any info of the me irl or the me that is an artist here, I doubt this blog will have comments now but even so.
Ah, I really need a place where I can be as politicaly incorrect as I want and say "fuck it all" he, I wonder if it's possible.